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Topic: Abuse
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notme

3/10/2012 6:00:43 PM
Member since:
Jul 2011
Total posts:636
Abuse

So I just go off the phone with a friend of 20 some odd years, and I must say I was shocked, angered, frustrated, sad and the list goes on. The emotions from that one phone call were all over the place, but mostly I felt very happy and relieved for her.  
 
Now I know you are all wondering what this is about and I shall tell you. This woman, has been in an abusive relationship for 15 years. She has finally reached out for help, guidance, and support. Why am I happy? I am so happy that she finally decided to get help and get out. I am happy she reached out to me, as a friend and a resource. I will do everything in my power to help her through this.  
 
She is leaving with nothing but the clothes on her back but she will prevail through that. She is coming here, to stay with me and my husband until she gets settled and is safe.  
 
I urge all those out there in the same situation to please, please, please reach out to someone you trust. You DO NOT have to do this alone! There are friends and family who love you and will do anything in their power to help you. Just get up, right NOW, and phone the person closest to you! There is light at the end of the tunnel and support around every corner!!

 
 
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Butterflymbca

3/10/2012 6:11:39 PM
Member since:
Apr 2009
Total posts:7950
:)

Good for you for being there for her, you are a good friend.

traveller

3/10/2012 6:21:43 PM
Member since:
Jun 2007
Total posts:7436
>

its good she can finally ask for help and get it, so many think they have no other options. i wish your friend the best

Echo

3/10/2012 6:24:32 PM
Member since:
Jan 2012
Total posts:185
Not always that easy

There are many abuse situations that make leaving difficult. No access to a phone or vehicle. No one you feel you can trust because the abuser often does their best to isolate you. Often the abuser will threaten that loved ones will come to harm if you leave and that neighbors will see if you leave and the abuser will find out and play out all sorts of bad situations that would happen. The situation gets really scary if there are children or pets or family that the abusee is worried may come to harm if they leave the abuser. Often the abuser will threaten to kill themselves if you think of leaving and drill it into your head that it would be on your shoulders if they did. ..it's defo not a black and white situation and can be so extremely hard to leave especially when the abusee knows there is no factual evidence that they could take to the police to have the abused locked up so that they are assured themselves and their loved ones will not come to harm if they leave. However, having said all that, leaving is definitely the best option as then there are measures you can take to ensure your safety and the safety of your loved ones. While living with an abuser you're at the greatest risk of coming to harm. So yes, please, anyone in this situation, find the courage to get yourself out. Life does get easier.

ProudArmyWife

3/10/2012 6:29:53 PM
Member since:
Jun 2011
Total posts:164
Good for you!

Wow good for you... you are a good friend

notme

3/10/2012 6:32:26 PM
Member since:
Jul 2011
Total posts:636
I agree

Echo, that it is not always easy, which is why it took her 15 years to leave (and I am hoping and praying, NOT to go back). BUT if just one person reads this post and picks up the phone, then I am glad I posted it.  
 
I fear for her safety and am glad she is coming to me and my husband as we live 4 hours from her hometown and she will feel safer here, then in her own community, where he still is. He does not know we have been in contact and I hope he has no way of finding out. We will contact the proper authorities as soon as she arrives (the last bout of abuse left bruises that I got her to email me pics of, so I have given them a heads up already - with her permission)and I will help her get counselling, lawyer, or whatever she needs.  
 
Again, ladies and gentlemen, pick up that phone.

Echo

3/10/2012 6:48:28 PM
Member since:
Jan 2012
Total posts:185
Advice..

  
notme said "Echo, that it is not always easy, which is why it took her 15 years to leave (and I am hoping and praying, NOT to go back). BUT if just one person reads this post and picks up the phone, then I am glad I posted it.  
 
I fear for her safety and am glad she is coming to me and my husband as we live 4 hours from her hometown and she will feel safer here, then in her own community, where he still is. He does not know we have been in contact and I hope he has no way of finding out. We will contact the proper authorities as soon as she arrives (the last bout of abuse left bruises that I got her to email me pics of, so I have given them a heads up already - with her permission)and I will help her get counselling, lawyer, or whatever she needs.  
 
Again, ladies and gentlemen, pick up that phone. "

When she gets to your place find out if she still has any bruises or other injuries from him and is she does get her to the hospital asap and get this documented on paper and also make a trip down to the police station with her in person so they can see and speak with her and start up a file on her case. Having documented proof of abuse from these two places will really help her from a legal standpoint. Pictures were a good idea, but unfortunately unless you happened to catch a pic of him in the act of hitting her, they may not help too much because the authorities are going to tell her she should have gone to the hospital or to the police station when it happened and showing pictures after the fact may not help because you can't prove in a court of law that it was him that inflicted these wounds on her. She needs to verbalize what happened herself to the police and at the hospital and show her wounds and get it documented on paper. Good luck.. it's a long road ahead. Counselling is a must.

Ashley Lyons

3/10/2012 9:25:58 PM
Member since:
Mar 2012
Total posts:11
Great friend!

You are a great friend!!! Remember that the first while after she leaves is the most crucial time. That is when women in abusive relationships can really be hurt.

Gunz

3/10/2012 11:57:23 PM
Member since:
Oct 2010
Total posts:154
15

I don't get why people feel the need to post someone else affairs on a public forum and subject them to the public scrutiny.  
 
Even if its for a good cause I wouldn't like my personal problems/affairs to be vented out like this just so my "friend" can get a pad in the back for been "such a nice person".

notme

3/11/2012 8:21:18 AM
Member since:
Jul 2011
Total posts:636
Actually Gunz

as no one on here knows me or her, how am I subjecting her or myself to public scrutiny?  
 
I am simply posting an experience, asking for advice and hoping someone else sees this and has the courage to walk away from abuse. If one person reads these posts and seeks out help then I am happy I posted.  
 
Also, I showed my friend these posts and she had no problem with anything I posted and wants to thank those for their well wishes and advice.  
 
I am hardly looking for a pat on the back, as in reality I have done nothing. My friend however deserves all the pats we can give her, as she is the courageous one! You rock girl!! Head held high and pride blossoming. I love you!  

newhorizon

3/11/2012 9:06:03 AM
Member since:
Jan 2012
Total posts:45
help??

  
Gunz said "I don't get why people feel the need to post someone else affairs on a public forum and subject them to the public scrutiny.  
 
Even if its for a good cause I wouldn't like my personal problems/affairs to be vented out like this just so my "friend" can get a pad in the back for been "such a nice person". "

How can you possibly not have compassion with the abused?? As she so very nicely put it, I did not give out names.  
 
We really don't know who the person is AND (notme) needs consolation too. That's raises another question regarding who you really are?  
 
People post for a reason. Obviously she needs to talk about it, even if the feedback comes from strangers, she still needs to deal with it!!  
 
notme, don't let people downgrade you for NEEDING to talk about it. You, as a friend must be going through a difficult time too. Please don't hesitate to talk about it. Is it on the air, on the phone or posting on here, to get your emotions out. This is 'Healthy dealing' with difficult situation! Good for you!!! You need peoples replies. I get it and feel for you!  
 
I think you have every right and deserve a pat on the back! What I think is that you and your friend will both need counseling because it will be emotionally draining for both of you.  
Good Luck and I hope you're both happy soon! Stay strong!  
 
 
 
Edited by newhorizon, 2012-03-11 09:08:46

cleo

3/11/2012 9:37:18 AM
Member since:
Nov 2011
Total posts:25
info. on role of some abusers and how to manage

 
 
I think we can all relate to the way our abusers resort to spreading lies, malicious projection, finger-pointing, backstabbing, false rumours by factless innuendo and cruel insinuation and recruiting allies who join the abusers to augment his smear campaign. This rallying of troops to his 'camp', the enablers that work with them, is the well-worn tactic of the personality disordered fending off exposure. His lies and calumny an effective coverup of his own actions. His bruised ego results in him wanting to shame the shamer who could expose his abusive behaviour.  
An abuser will quickly 'devalue and discard' and break off contact, claiming to be the victim of cruelty from us. His victims are cast in a defensive role by his outburst of lies.  
Abusers will ruthlessly recruit our families, closest friends, employers, colleagues and competitors in his attempt to build support for his smear campaign. Don't expect other people to understand. They don't know about this type of abuser - yet!  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Even the victim's relatives, friends, and colleagues are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. Others rarely have a chance to witness an abusive exchange first hand and at close quarters. In contrast, the victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.”  
Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem.  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The abuser has no understanding of the hurt and emotional devastation he creates. He will never know this pain. However, he will only be able to pull it off temporarily because other people don't understand this first-strike tactic of the personality disordered. They have no personal experience with it and are unable to recognize it. The abuser will work swiftly and forcefully to blame the target to ward off any exposure and shame for his own behaviour. And, to seal the impact will state to his audience that his target denies what he is saying. This can be very effective unless others become aware of this tactic of the abuser initiating a smear campaign.  
His victims may appear to be vindictive in any attempts to disprove his allegations. His recruits see him as the injured party, pitiful and in need of help. Sadly, the abuser will often escalate his smear campaign and the victim becomes subjected to a multi-focused attack. The deceived and gullible recruits take up his cause and work as his ally to attack on his behalf. An abuser will protect himself, as his naive and gullible recruits willingly do his dirty work.  
 
 
Be careful how you conduct yourself. Attempts by you to refocus accusations on the N can backfire on you by validating what your NP's claims. He will, in all likelihood, have persuaded others that he is the victim and you are the crazy one. Don't fall for this carefully staged plan of the abuser. Take the high road and ignore the smear campaign. In most cases when abusers no longer get their payoff of attention from bad mouthing you, they stop.  
 
Defence Strategy: If anyone tries to talk to you about him, hold up your hand (like a stop-sign) and say something like "I don't want to hear anything about him. He's lying" Say no more. If it continues:"My lawyer recommends I warn people they will have to testify where they heard that should this turns into a libel/slander lawsuit." Watch them scatter quickly when hearing this. This can cause people to stop cold and have another look at what they’ve been told. It's not necessary to defend ourselves at all.  
 
Can you find it funny? We hope so. When people tell you what s/he's saying, try the good old-fashioned knee-slapping campaign. In most cases when abusers no longer get their payoff of attention from bad mouthing you, they stop.  
Defence Strategy: If anyone tries to talk to you about him, hold up your hand (like a stop-sign) and say something like "I don't want to hear anything about him. He's lying" Say no more. If it continues:"My lawyer recommends I warn people they will have to testify where they heard that should this turns into a libel/slander lawsuit." Watch them scatter quickly when hearing this. This can cause people to stop cold and have another look at what they’ve been told. It's not necessary to defend ourselves at all.  
 
Can you find it funny? We hope so. When people tell you what s/he's saying, try the good old-fashioned knee-slapping belly laugh at what s/he says. Friends, when confronted with your laughter reaction will find it funny too. Very effective. You say nothing. You just laugh. It works. You will need, of course, to conduct yourself perfectly to discredit the abuser's claims.  
 
The abuser is now at his summit, and about to topple. This abuser will not engage in a fair fight, and it will ultimately backfire on him. Slowly his newly-recruited allies become aware of the truth. Suspecting his real motives and questioning his actions, they slowly remove themselves and walk away. The ones that hang on are the most dim-witted. Their bad judgement in supporting him is easily transparent. They support the abuser for their own Mephistophelian goals.  
 
The battered emotions of the victims will craft thoughts of revenge, vengeance and justice, but his targets, often reeling from these unexpected cruel lies and alientation, will find little solace in their mentally-constructed retaliation thoughts.  
Your abuser has anticipated your cries and pleas of innocense against his cruel lies and expects you to retalilate. He enjoys his victim's role. He basks in the limelight of all that attention he orchestrates. He has set the bait and your strength will come from remaining 'unbaitable' against this onslaught. Hang on tight, it's going to be a very cruel and bumpy ride.  
 
Over the course of time, this abuser’s audience will abandon him. Those he worked hard to secure by portraying the victim have left. His very actions will alienate anyone still near him. They begin to avoid him like the plague as the discrepancy of his lies and actions surfaces.  
 
We may be able to 'nip it in the bud' by anticipating and emotionally preparing for this common response from the mentally disordered.  
 
Ultimately there will be no audience gathered to listen. That is the self-inflicted fate of his own behaviour. Eventually the abuser faces humiliation and exposure and will withdraw into final isolation. Long after we have healed and moved on, this final treachery will forever be the single act that stands out in our thoughts.  
 
 
 
Our ultimate victory is the bitter/sweet irony of seeing the abuser portraying himself as the victim as he continues his life-long deeply-ingrained blame-game and his last remaining audience only the walls to hear his lies.

hermione

3/11/2012 9:55:54 AM
Member since:
Jul 2009
Total posts:2935
Don't know

if this applies to your friend, but when my friend left her abuser and went into hiding they told her to dye her hair (went black from blonde), get a new purse and jacket, and delete her facebook account. Just some ideas, I'm sure there's more, and good for you for being there for her OP.

notme

3/11/2012 11:11:54 AM
Member since:
Jul 2011
Total posts:636
Cleo and Hermoine

Much of the advice you have given is the same advice the police have given her. They did take her statement and as she is now at the hospital, getting the bruises and cuts, etc documented, they will no doubt put a restraining order (wrong term now-a-days, I know)on him.  
 
She had deleted her Facebook, all her email accounts and has blocked all numbers on her cell that would be him. The police have warned her not to tell anyone where she is and I hope she abides by this. Like you said Cleo, many 'friends' and family will side with him and if they know where she is, he will charm it out of them. To my knowledge, at this point only my husband and I truly know where she is (and no its NOT Brandon).  
 
I will pass the info on hermione about the changing of jackets, purses and dying of hair.  
 
I have thought about what Gunz posted some more today, and was wondering why it was bothering me so much. I have finally come up with an answer - People burying their heads in the sand or not wanting to air "dirty laundry" is part of the reason so many victims stay with their abusers.

wendie

3/11/2012 4:13:12 PM
Member since:
Sep 2007
Total posts:551
Silence

I agree...to many people keep quiet, and are afraid to speak, because someone will be upset they spoke!! This could be the victim, a friend, family member, etc.  
 
For myself, I can relate in so many ways. Recently I went to the Women's Resource Centre to talk about domestic violence. Not for me, but for someone that is super close to me.  
 
Always being there for your friend in need sometimes can be such a struggle to do. It's hard for us too. (not as hard as the abused) Hard none the less.  
 
My friend is in a verbal, emotional, and mental relationship for the past 6 yrs. She "leaves" him every few weeks. We all rally around her to support her, to listen to the horror stories she has enjured. Then to watch her walk back in.  
 
Recently, she moved out of his town, and we all thought, "this is it!!! finally!!" Rented a uhaul, and moved her. All of us helped her organize her things and get her and her son settled. I even spent the night, to be there. We all saw his texts, to her and there were horrible... When we moved her I had a video camera attached to my neck running the whole time. Just in case.  
 
4 Days later, she went back. She avoids contact with everyone. She has a million excuses why she couldn't stay at her new place, and a million excuses why she went back.  
 
Her son I fear for. He was once again pulled through the "I'm leaving." He was enrolled into a new school, and then back into the home of the abuser.  
 
I went to talk to someone, because I can't do this anymore! Emotionally draining. He ends up verbally abuses me, and my family. He abuses anyone who helps her. When she goes back every few weeks, I relive every nasty event.  
 
I will still keep in touch with her. I need to stand up for myself and my family too.  
 
The Women's Resource Centre were great to talk to. I picked up so many more forms, and pamphlets, for my friend. I mailed them to her. There is nothing more I can do. It's up to her.  
 
I know some may be angry with me. Until you have lived in my shoes, and run hours to "rescue" someone, over and over again... You really don't know how I feel. I have witnessed. I have been part of my friends abuse. I have had to stand between them to "protect" her. I have reported him to the cops, I have seen him stalk her. Sitting in his vehicle across from MY house!!! I have then moved her across town, and then have to sit with him across the table the next day like nothing happened. My children also listen to the child talk. I have drove hours to be there... I have put my own family at risk to protect her.  
 
I have no empathy left. What good am I now.  
 
As her friend...get help for yourself too. You need support too. Good LUCK!

Sandy

3/11/2012 5:18:51 PM
Member since:
Nov 2006
Total posts:9106
Excellent post

  
extraordinaire said "http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page4.htm  
 
"

..thanks for sharing.  
 
Battered Person Syndrome is a physical and psychological condition and can unfortunately be surrounded by a cloak of silence.  
 
There are really good points in this article.  
 
 

Sandy

3/11/2012 5:25:21 PM
Member since:
Nov 2006
Total posts:9106
notme's friend

It has taken great courage and strength to find this turning point.. you have now said enough! Stay strong!  
 
Edited by Sandy, 2012-03-11 17:26:48

JamaicaMeCrazy

3/12/2012 3:51:12 AM
Member since:
Aug 2010
Total posts:384
Cleo

I've been in the exact same spot that you've described and thank God I got out. That describes my ex husband to a "T". I didn't retaliate (but I sure had all those feelings of anger, fear, etc.)  
 
Unfortunately, he also runs me down to crap to my children, and freaks out on them when he finds out they've even talked to me or even when they call me Mom. It still hurts me to see the damage still being done. My children do know the truth as he was abusive to them too when they were there (long story). He is driving them gradually out of his life as they no longer want much if anything to do with him. They are now adults, and have been deeply affected by this. My younger child rarely talks to him. My older one still lives in the same town but plans to move soon...get away from him.  
 
Basically, my ex has almost completely abandoned himself and what used to be his "friends" see him for what and who he really is...a crazy psycho. They'd rather spend time hunting and fishing with my son that my ex. The only one who still sticks up for my ex is his wife who married him after our divorce. She is just as crazy, gullible, and not nice at all. The two belong together and make a great match. My children know that I am not at all what he says I am.  
 
I once was a victim of his sick abusive tendencies, and unfortunately also of attempted murder. I am so happy to be done with him! It's been 21 years and several corrective surgeries (head trauma)...and he's dug his own hole...and still digging deeper. He still portrays himself as the victim, towards our children. Soon, he will have no one left but his wife...if she stays.

slurpeegirl

3/12/2012 12:23:27 PM
Member since:
Feb 2010
Total posts:1117
gunz

  
Gunz said "I don't get why people feel the need to post someone else affairs on a public forum and subject them to the public scrutiny.  
 
Even if its for a good cause I wouldn't like my personal problems/affairs to be vented out like this just so my "friend" can get a pad in the back for been "such a nice person". "

with an attitude that would make you post a comment like this, makes me think you are a wife beater. i really hope that isn't true. the OP started this thread to encourage others to seek help and for people to help those who are reaching out.  
 
it is not for you to decide what members post to start a discussion. there are moderators to do exactly that. if you feel that this discussion is in poor taste, feel free to report it, in the mean time, bugger off.

~M~

3/14/2012 8:05:19 PM
Member since:
Mar 2011
Total posts:80
Cleo...

Very well said! Thank you for your excellent post! Luckily, this kind of person is rare, but you are exactly right when you say "Don't expect other people to understand - they don't know about this type of abuser - yet!" People like this are very good at what they do and it can take a very long time for others to connect all the dots and see what's really going on. Even though I spent over 10 years with someone like this, and I now understand how these people operate, I doubt I could ever describe it as good as you just did.

on-second-thought

3/14/2012 8:13:41 PM
Member since:
Jun 2011
Total posts:1480
Cleo

 
Instead of copying and pasting an article you googled, (and in the process taking up half the page space). just come up with an original thought and paste the link....sheesh  
 
<:A target="_blank" HREF="http://almosttuesday.wordpress.com/2009/08/29/abuse-by-proxy-abuse-by-stalking/">:http://almosttuesday.wordpress.com/2009/08/29/abuse-by-proxy-abuse-by-stalking/<:/A>:  
 
To the OP, good for you for being there to be her friend, and support system. She obviously trusts you very much. It wont be easy for her, and there will be times that the situation may rattle you as well. Hang in there.  
 
 
 
Edited by on-second-thought, 2012-03-14 20:14:56

JamaicaMeCrazy

3/14/2012 11:21:10 PM
Member since:
Aug 2010
Total posts:384
I

agree with ~M~. Very well said Cleo. About the motivation part, pas formidable, their motivation is clearly CONTROL! I've been through that bad experience. They learn how to control others during their early years generally, and sometimes it's out of jealousy and wanting full ownership of their spouse/girlfriend. They must have complete control. When they feel that their losing control, they will do whatever it takes to make sure the women will stay in their place or be put in their place, often using force by physical/mental means necessary.

notme

3/16/2012 7:32:19 AM
Member since:
Jul 2011
Total posts:636
I wanted

to give the lovely people on here an update.  
 
I am notme's friend and she has let me post on here in her name.  
 
First, thatnks for all the great help. I really do appreciate your words of kindness and your advice.  
 
It has been an emotional week of ups and downs. I met with the police, here in notme's town, the hospital, a counsellor and a lawyer. I am trying to stay strong, but sometimes its hard. I have read your words of kind advice many times and have done alot of what you said to do. I did get a new jacket and purse and got a haircut - I couldn't bring myself to color it.  
 
My next counselling session is today, and I am glad to have found an understanding, but tough counsellor. She won't let me wallow in the BS and for that I am happy, (yes I am a wallower!) I am staying with notme and her husband for a bit longer, when I am stronger I will start looking for a place to live, nearby.  
 
Again thanks!

Sandy

3/16/2012 9:00:48 AM
Member since:
Nov 2006
Total posts:9106
:::

Stay courageous and strong. Keep going in the direction of happiness.... the direction that leads to your greatest fulfillment!

wendie

3/16/2012 4:48:51 PM
Member since:
Sep 2007
Total posts:551
Nome

Keep your chin up! You can do it!!! It will be tough, yet in the long run so worth it. You've already been through soo much...  
 
All the best to you!!! Glad to hear your making all the right steps to better your life!  

lazyintellectual

3/16/2012 4:57:14 PM
Member since:
Apr 2009
Total posts:1452
One thing...

That I notice about abusive people, boy they can dish out the anger, hate, and such, but as soon as you've had enough and start to fight back, all of a sudden they become the victim.  
 
On a side note... Do these people realize their behaviour? I seems like they truly believe all of their lies, regret nothing, and will never apologize no matter how disgusting their behaviour. I think this is why they can be so persuasive.

Gunz

3/16/2012 6:27:19 PM
Member since:
Oct 2010
Total posts:154
Wow !

  
slurpeegirl said "
  
Gunz said "I don't get why people feel the need to post someone else affairs on a public forum and subject them to the public scrutiny.  
 
Even if its for a good cause I wouldn't like my personal problems/affairs to be vented out like this just so my "friend" can get a pad in the back for been "such a nice person". "

with an attitude that would make you post a comment like this, makes me think you are a wife beater. i really hope that isn't true. the OP started this thread to encourage others to seek help and for people to help those who are reaching out.  
 
it is not for you to decide what members post to start a discussion. there are moderators to do exactly that. if you feel that this discussion is in poor taste, feel free to report it, in the mean time, bugger off. "

So because I find it tasteless to post other people's lives and problems then Im a wife beater? wow, someone needs a time off from the computer, but anyways going back to my first post I don't know if you didn't understood what I wrote, so ill explain it in more simple terms.  
 
If I was going through a personal situation like the one described by the OP I wouldn't appreciate a friend or anyone else discussing my personal life in an open/public forum.  
 
I by any means stated at any point that it was not ok to help a friend in need, I just stated that if you do a good deed you don't need to comment about it on e-brandon or any public forums, specially when that good deed involves delicate details about other person's personal life and problems.  
 
Again if you didn't understood what I wrote, Its good to help people out, specially in times of need, what I find awkward and a bit tasteless is to feel the need to post it on a forum, eventually leading into gossip.  
 
Your friends gratitude should be all you need.  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Edited by Gunz, 2012-03-16 18:39:57

notme

3/16/2012 8:09:35 PM
Member since:
Jul 2011
Total posts:636
One thing I need to say here

and it echos Prairie Waif....silence of these abusive situations is why a lot of it still exists today. People like Gunz, may think, keep your mouth (or fingers) quiet, you have no right to tell anothers story, but you are wrong.  
 
I am not saying to participate in idle gossip (and I did in no way say who or where this person is) or to discuss anything without the victims consent (and I did have consent) but to remain quiet about abuse is to give the abuser more power. To shout about it, rail against it and help where and when needed gives a much needed voice to the victims.  
 
I am sorry Gunz, that you do not see this view point and I hope you never have to 'remain quiet' about abuse. I hope you are never abused yourself, and I certainly hope you never have to watch someone you love go through this.  
 
There is NO shame in having been abused, therefore no reason to remain quiet about it. I shall now and forever more shout it from the rooftops whenever I see or hear about abuse. Empower the victim and take away the abusers power!!!  
 
The only reason this abuser is not named here is #1 the victim's safety and #2 Ebrandon rules. However, his inner circle is well aware of the situation and I have found out from a friend that the walls are crumbling around him (amazing how a visit from the police brings everything to light), just as many on here predicted it would.  
 
Thankfully, my friend is getting the help she needs and equally as thankful he does not know where she is. We will continue to support her and follow HER wishes (one of which was this topic).

Leanna

3/16/2012 8:19:21 PM
Member since:
Apr 2010
Total posts:552
...

Definitely agree with ofthebigbang. The person finally stand up for themselves, then the abuser makes them think they're the abusive one. Its a horrible cycle and Im glad notme's friend has the help she needs.

FYR FYTR

3/16/2012 10:35:27 PM
Member since:
Nov 2007
Total posts:97
notme...

You did the right thing, and I couldn't agree more with Prairie Waif... the quieter we are, the longer the abuse goes on!  
 
Can't help but remember hearing, "That's only because that's the way he/she was raised," as an excuse for abuse. Didn't cut it then and doesn't cut it now!  
 
I hope those type of excuses are outed and notme did an honorable thing, not many friends will actually stand up for the abused as "they don't want to pick sides"... The poorest excuse of all!

 
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