I'm at my wits end. My child is out of control. He's 8. He hits his siblings, he will scream out that someone hit him, when noones in the room. He will throw fits on the floor, then run up to anyone and just start pummeling them for absolutely nothing.  
I don't spank, never have, and never will. He calls his dad anyway and will lie to his dad and tell him that we all always hit him. His dad believes him if coarse, accuses me of calling our son a lier. My son does not live with me, he lives with his father.  
To be honest, I think his father treats him as a friend and not a father. I try to instill responsibility by having him dry dishes, take out recyclables, clean his room,etc. they only get a couple of hours of game time.  
He flat out refused to help with dishes with his siblings, and this attitude popped out. He, as we speak, is hurting my oldest right now.  
He will not go to his room, we can't just ignore him because he will run up to us to hurt us. I'm doing what every parent should do in this situation, but nothing is working, and his father refuses to put him in therapy. He needs anger management or something, but his father refuses.  
I need help!

be on top of the discipline and be consistent, eventually he should learn that those are the rules in your house even if not at dads, curious though why are they with dad? could you apply for custody full or split? maybe he needs more attention or he has just took your split really hard? IDK but you can't give up or tolerate bad behavior  
 
good luck

would ask him for a referral to a pediatrician to rule out any medical reason for the behaviour. Once that is ruled out it would seem you need some kind of professional help, if it is only a parenting course. I would get in touch with Elsbeth Reid and explain your situation and ask if they have any course they can suggest for you. This child sounds like he needs consistency and limits, if only when he's in your care, you cannot control his father. Provide limits with consequences and FOLLOW THROUGH once you have given him a consequence. Try to have an adult conversation with the father without laying blame, and see if you 2 adults can come up with a game plan in the best interest of the child.  
Hope it works out.

Don't want to add too much info, i gave him custody, for what i thought was good reason. Iam consistent with discipline, I think he gets whatever he wants at home. Here he has to share, at home he is the only child. But his angry outbursts are crazy! I will continue with being consistent, but it's not easy. I know he doesn't haveADD. He's just an angry little boy, and needs help. Thanks for your input.

Try the pediatrician and Ellsbeth Reid, thanks.

"Did I just say that???" Oh, I 'm just joking. Although I am sure it is not a joke dealing with him.  
 
hermione makes some good points. If health causes are ruled out, I agree...consistency with limits followed by consequences. Can't stress that enough.  
 
I'd also add that giving the child two choices you CAN LIVE WITH can end a lot of battles. Using open ended questions don't get results.  
 
Example: Don't ask - Where do want to watch?  
 
Say - We can watch "this movie" or "that movie"  
 
Gives them choices without too much.  
 
Also the follow through... Please sit down in your chair or you have to kneel in the corner for 8 minutes. (and then you have to follow through) That way they have a choice, and they have to live with the consequences. (hope it helps, good luck)

I pm'd you.

Attempting time outs, but my son will just lie on the floor . I can't physically move him, he's too heavy!  
I don't really give him too many options. Somedays I would like to spank him on days like today, but I reminded my other children as well as myself, to just walk away. My other children are getting frustrated as they can't escape him. He just follows us and hits us. It's strange, one min he is perfect, and just out of the blue he goes crazy! I'm going to try those options you guys have mentioned. It's going to be hard with a father who won't cooperate though. Thanks so much! He's calm now, thank god, but there will be another day like today :s

Make an appt for him to be assessed at the child and adolescent treatment centre. Has been a very helpful resource. N children I know who have gone there have come out saying they liked their experience.

While he is having his tantrum you being tuned into the computer posting on ebrandon is likely part of the reason he is behaving this way as he will perceive it as being ignored. If you power down and focus your attention on what he is really trying to tell you or show you it might help him calm down. Although she is not as aggressive as your son, I do notice if I have not spent enough true quality time with my daughter throughout the week she tends to over react over little things. For me, staying calm, talking to her with a non judgemental tone, and allowing her to express what is truly upsetting her calms down the situation much quicker. He's still young and maybe is not able to actually tell you what he really means by these poor reactions. Sometimes the attention they receive for their bad behavior is a way they get attention they may be lacking but we just don't realize it. Parenting the hardest job in the world!!

If it is an anger issue, the doctor will probably suggest going to CATC, or some other appropriate action-you could explain the issue with the child's father and see what the doc suggests.

with a counsellor at Ellsbeth Reid for a day that you have him? If the father won't do anything you may have to take him yourself.

All the pediatricians and counselors are going to try to do is put your child on drugs.  
 
Hes probably just angry that you people broke up his family, since when is children from broken homes acting out something that needs to be checked out by pediatricians?  
 
Pop a pill nation

Dave you're right. Just giving him pills won't help at all. He's angry and acts out accordingly. An unfortunate side effect of divorce or separation.

Dave Barnesky said "All the pediatricians and counselors are going to try to do is put your child on drugs.     Hes probably just angry that you people broke up his family, since when is children from broken homes acting out something that needs to be checked out by pediatricians?     Pop a pill nation "

Hey Dave. Do you have kids? I ask because that is the most ignorant answer on this thread.  
 
This child has extreme anger issues. Maybe he's just an outright brat with no boundaries. We don't really know. But suggesting that he attend to the family doctor to be assessed is a very wise piece of advice. It's hard to treat a symptom when you're unsure of the problem.  
 
My advice is like the others. Have him assessed and go from there. You can't plan a treatment course unless you know what you're dealing with.  
 
Edited by CdnKoko, 2012-08-03 09:56:44

many councellors rely on talking thru situations and giving the parent coping strategies, its not always about the drugs. Maybe this kid just needs to vent to someone, and learn how to deal with his anger in a non-violent manner.

When he is with his father, he gets all the attention but when he comes to visit you the attention is shared with your other children. He does not like this so the way that he diverts peoples attention back to him is by being bad. I have three boys, 3, 5, and 8, and they all three behave this way. The problem is I do not know how to help you because I can lift an carry all my children for time outs in their rooms. Another tactic that I do is that they do not behave, I will do something fun with the other kids and when he wants to join, I tell him that he cannot because he is being bad. I then tell him that if he can be good, we will do it again with him included. The trick is to figure out something that he really really likes to do.  
I also had my 5 year old throw fits and I couldn't control him in the mornings. Turns out he has asthema and didn't have good sleeps at night but he never had a athema attack. Once we put him on a puffer, it was like day and night.

Fuzzle Nuts said "When he is with his father, he gets all the attention but when he comes to visit you the attention is shared with your other children. He does not like this so the way that he diverts peoples attention back to him is by being bad. I have three boys, 3, 5, and 8, and they all three behave this way. The problem is I do not know how to help you because I can lift an carry all my children for time outs in their rooms. Another tactic that I do is that they do not behave, I will do something fun with the other kids and when he wants to join, I tell him that he cannot because he is being bad. I then tell him that if he can be good, we will do it again with him included. The trick is to figure out something that he really really likes to do.   I also had my 5 year old throw fits and I couldn't control him in the mornings. Turns out he has asthema and didn't have good sleeps at night but he never had a athema attack. Once we put him on a puffer, it was like day and night. "

One thing that irritates me to no end is when parents call their children "BAD"!! They are not bad, their behavior might be, but they aren't. When you call your kids bad it effects their self esteem. And to do a fun activity with your other children when he is "bad" won't make the situation better, he'll likely start resenting the other kids. Don't reward bad behavior but to do something intentionally and not let him participate is emotional abuse IMO.  
To the OP, it sounds like he just wants your attention. Maybe what he needs is just to have a "date" with just YOU once in awhile so he can feel special. It must be hard to go from being an only child and having all the attention to having sbilings and having to share the attention. I'd pull him to the side and talk to only him and see if he would like to do something just you and him once in awhile. Then stress that he needs to be patient and have good behavior or he won't be able to go with you. Tell him each one of his actions has a REACTION. Good behavior=good reward.  
Maybe start a chore chart for all of your kids and give them stickers every time they do a chore. When they get to a certain number of stickers they get to choose a treat or fun thing to do.  
 
 
Edited by miss independant, 2012-08-03 11:35:15

Dave Barnesky said "All the pediatricians and counselors are going to try to do is put your child on drugs.     Hes probably just angry that you people broke up his family, since when is children from broken homes acting out something that needs to be checked out by pediatricians?     Pop a pill nation "

Counselors don't just dole out drugs. They can't, they're not doctors.

Even if the child is just acting out because of the divorce, that's definitely something that could be helped immensely by seeing a counselor, drugs or not.

Dave Barnesky said "All the pediatricians and counselors are going to try to do is put your child on drugs.     Hes probably just angry that you people broke up his family, since when is children from broken homes acting out something that needs to be checked out by pediatricians?     Pop a pill nation "

Your comment is based on heresay and ignorance. When a child is in need of help the first thing to do is go to a Pediatrician- there are many things that can be affecting this child. This is the first step to rule out things so that she can move forward to other things. Are you a doctor? Are you even a parent? NO ONE has suggested drugs. A doctor can be a very good source of information and help her with finding appropriate resources.  
Do NOT discourage her with finding help for her son because you might have had a bad experience or know someone who did.  
Children who cannot control their anger may need help finding out how to do it. Councelling does not mean drugs, it means HELP!  
 
Ignorance!

I guess I grew up in a different time, a time where very few, if any parents, sought help with kids that were misbehaving, funny thing is most of them grew out of it. I guess I'm also a little different since I don't believe that we should run off seeking counseling every time there is a problem with our kids. I'm not going to say that you have a communication problem with your child, but anytime we had such issues there was a lot of talking done, and sometimes I became outright rude and just asked the kid "what the hell is your problem".  
Marital problems can make it very difficult on kids at any age but once again I must push the idea of communication as well as explaining that certain behavior is not accepted, sometimes a person does have to be brutally honest when talking with kids that are acting up, and also ask them question that you may not want to hear the answer to.  
 
Wish you the best of luck because I know that sometimes and on certain days they certainly can push the limits.

miss independant said "    Fuzzle Nuts said "When he is with his father, he gets all the attention but when he comes to visit you the attention is shared with your other children. He does not like this so the way that he diverts peoples attention back to him is by being bad. I have three boys, 3, 5, and 8, and they all three behave this way. The problem is I do not know how to help you because I can lift an carry all my children for time outs in their rooms. Another tactic that I do is that they do not behave, I will do something fun with the other kids and when he wants to join, I tell him that he cannot because he is being bad. I then tell him that if he can be good, we will do it again with him included. The trick is to figure out something that he really really likes to do.   I also had my 5 year old throw fits and I couldn't control him in the mornings. Turns out he has asthema and didn't have good sleeps at night but he never had a athema attack. Once we put him on a puffer, it was like day and night. " One thing that irritates me to no end is when parents call their children "BAD"!! They are not bad, their behavior might be, but they aren't. When you call your kids bad it effects their self esteem. And to do a fun activity with your other children when he is "bad" won't make the situation better, he'll likely start resenting the other kids. Don't reward bad behavior but to do something intentionally and not let him participate is emotional abuse IMO.   To the OP, it sounds like he just wants your attention. Maybe what he needs is just to have a "date" with just YOU once in awhile so he can feel special. It must be hard to go from being an only child and having all the attention to having sbilings and having to share the attention. I'd pull him to the side and talk to only him and see if he would like to do something just you and him once in awhile. Then stress that he needs to be patient and have good behavior or he won't be able to go with you. Tell him each one of his actions has a REACTION. Good behavior=good reward.   Maybe start a chore chart for all of your kids and give them stickers every time they do a chore. When they get to a certain number of stickers they get to choose a treat or fun thing to do.       Edited by miss independant, 2012-08-03 11:35:15"

Sorry I used "Bad" as a generalization for behaviour. I disagree with Bad Behaviour as well. If you want to be politically correct, it should be negative behaviour according to society but I didn't think that this was about arguing but instead about suggestions to help the mom out. As for your rewards for doing chores, if one kid does not do chores, isn't that another form of leaving them out? No good behaviour, no reward? And if he doesn't have good behaviour he can't spend one on one time with you? I'd say that's the same emotional abuse you accuse me of. As far as them resenting each other, my kids get along very well and play together all the time. Yes, they have their spats, like any siblings would.  
I am wondering if anybody has seen the quote on facebook 'I'm afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.' I am not agreeing that spanking is the appropriate thing to do but there has to be consequences for negative behaviour.

sending a pm

Fuzzle Nuts said "    miss independant said "    Fuzzle Nuts said "When he is with his father, he gets all the attention but when he comes to visit you the attention is shared with your other children. He does not like this so the way that he diverts peoples attention back to him is by being bad. I have three boys, 3, 5, and 8, and they all three behave this way. The problem is I do not know how to help you because I can lift an carry all my children for time outs in their rooms. Another tactic that I do is that they do not behave, I will do something fun with the other kids and when he wants to join, I tell him that he cannot because he is being bad. I then tell him that if he can be good, we will do it again with him included. The trick is to figure out something that he really really likes to do.   I also had my 5 year old throw fits and I couldn't control him in the mornings. Turns out he has asthema and didn't have good sleeps at night but he never had a athema attack. Once we put him on a puffer, it was like day and night. " One thing that irritates me to no end is when parents call their children "BAD"!! They are not bad, their behavior might be, but they aren't. When you call your kids bad it effects their self esteem. And to do a fun activity with your other children when he is "bad" won't make the situation better, he'll likely start resenting the other kids. Don't reward bad behavior but to do something intentionally and not let him participate is emotional abuse IMO.   To the OP, it sounds like he just wants your attention. Maybe what he needs is just to have a "date" with just YOU once in awhile so he can feel special. It must be hard to go from being an only child and having all the attention to having sbilings and having to share the attention. I'd pull him to the side and talk to only him and see if he would like to do something just you and him once in awhile. Then stress that he needs to be patient and have good behavior or he won't be able to go with you. Tell him each one of his actions has a REACTION. Good behavior=good reward.   Maybe start a chore chart for all of your kids and give them stickers every time they do a chore. When they get to a certain number of stickers they get to choose a treat or fun thing to do.       Edited by miss independant, 2012-08-03 11:35:15" Sorry I used "Bad" as a generalization for behaviour. I disagree with Bad Behaviour as well. If you want to be politically correct, it should be negative behaviour according to society but I didn't think that this was about arguing but instead about suggestions to help the mom out. As for your rewards for doing chores, if one kid does not do chores, isn't that another form of leaving them out? No good behaviour, no reward? And if he doesn't have good behaviour he can't spend one on one time with you? I'd say that's the same emotional abuse you accuse me of. As far as them resenting each other, my kids get along very well and play together all the time. Yes, they have their spats, like any siblings would.   I am wondering if anybody has seen the quote on facebook 'I'm afraid of a world run by adults who were never spanked as kids and got trophies just for participating.' I am not agreeing that spanking is the appropriate thing to do but there has to be consequences for negative behaviour. "

My issue with is when parents tell their children that they are bad, "I tell him that he cannot because he is being bad." The child's BEHAVIOR might be bad, but they themselves aren't "bad".  
As for the chores, sometimes it's easier for kids to SEE things right in front of them. They're able to see that they only need X number of stickers before they get a treat. It teaches them responsibilty. As for whether or not it's leaving out the other kids, depends. I've found that the kids compete with each other to get stickers together.  
All kids need special one on one time with their parents, I never said not to give him that. What I suggested was going on a "date" with him, as incentive for him to use good behavior. If his behavior hasn't been the best, then you don't go on the date. That doesn't mean he doesnt get one on one attention. It means that he had a consequence for his actions.  
Maybe your kids don't resent each other, but by the sounds of this little guy he would.  
Everyone has a different parenting style and everyone is always going to have an opinion. It's hard to know exactly how to discipline your kids knowing you won't cause self esteem issues etc.

I am no doctor but maybe if he is eating a lot of sweets at dad's and not your place, maybe he is having withdrawal? Could explain the sudden outbursts? Anybody think this could happen? Good luck to you, hope everything gets better.

it could be a diet issue. either what he is getting at his father's or what he is eating at his mom's.  
 
allergies can cause children to act out.

I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus to seek help from the doctor and the CATC. There's something going on here that is beyond the range of "normal".  
 
And contrary to what Dave says, they will generally try non-drug approaches first, but there may come a time when drugs should be considered. As in very. last. resort. Especially if it's a medication to fix a problem instead on just treating the symptoms (there's a huge difference!).  
 
Get assessed, and get help. Good luck.

And I don't care.  
 
That's right, take some drugs and if your child doesn't consent to it call the cops or some other child protection agency.  
 
Do you want me to come over to your house?  
 
Adults are stupid around here!

How is your relationship with the father. Maybe the childs attitude and actions are a magnified reflection of the actions and attitudes of those he trusts the most. Or maybe he is just plain lost because the people he trusts the most are unable or unwilling to comprimise. I am certain that it can only help if you and the father can work on this together.  
Just my thoughts. I hope it all works out for you