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Topic: "Mom Guilt"
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Viv

3/16/2017 11:32:16 AM
Member since:
Jun 2012
Total posts:314
"Mom Guilt"

Has anybody else felt this?  
 
I'm pregnant with my first child and I'm feeling what I'm calling "mom guilt". I'm trying to do research on different topics (breastfeeding, diapers, wipes, car seats, toys, etc) and I feel super overwhelmed. I ask trusted friends/family about their choices and why they've made them about certain topics and in no way am I judging, I'm just trying to get different opinions. Everytime I ask questions, I feel really guilty if I don't agree with their suggestions/comments (I would never tell them I don't agree, I just listen and take it all in).  
 
For example, I really don't want to cloth diaper. I know the reasons I should (no chemicals on baby, good for the environment, perhaps cheaper in the long run) but everytime somebody asks me if I am and I say I'm leaning towards not cloth diapering, I generally either get a look of disapproval or opinions on why I should. I feel this weird shame/guilt and it makes me second guess my choices.  
 
Or another one, I'm still drinking coffee. Not lots, just one cup a day (instead of my non-pregnancy habit of 4-5 cups a day). When people see me drinking coffee I get told I shouldn't be drinking it or that it could be harmful to the baby.  
 
Am I losing it? I know I shouldn't care and just do what I want, but sometimes it doesn't feel that easy.

Alycoffey

3/16/2017 11:50:23 AM
Member since:
Dec 2015
Total posts:9
Dont stress!

There is so much conflicting information out there. Do what works for your family. If cloth diapering works for you do it, if it doesn't don't. Every family is different and what works for one family may not work for you.  
I am taking the course to become a child passenger safety technician In a cpl of weeks so if you need help with carseats I can definitely try to help you out.

Abbysmum

3/16/2017 12:13:43 PM
Member since:
Mar 2009
Total posts:2683
road less traveled

As a person who often takes the road less traveled (and thus often get disbelieving looks of "why" and "are you nuts?") don't worry about those people. But it *is* hard when it's your first, because you don't have the confidence in your decisions or parenting skills yet.  
 
If they ask you diapers, you just say, "we're thinking about it". Who's business is it what you put on your baby's butt?  
 
If they ask you about breastfeeding/bottle feeding, you say, "I'll make sure the baby is fed. Thank-you for your concern." (I usually have the opposite problem... aren't you done nursing YET???)  
 
If they ask you about your coffee habit, you say, "My OB/midwife isn't concerned. Thanks though."  
 
You're doing the right thing by asking questions, but advice is like a buffet - you take what you like and leave the rest.  
 
Congrats and have a great babymoon!

hatsoff

3/16/2017 12:43:01 PM
Member since:
Jun 2012
Total posts:386
Self confidence

That's where this issue stems from. You need to build up your self confidence, you are allowed to have your own opinions. This is YOUR child. Don't forget that. At the end of he day you are the most important person in that child's life so it only matters what you think is right or wrong.

PrimeConvoy

3/16/2017 1:04:57 PM
Member since:
Nov 2012
Total posts:82
Parenting

The beautiful thing about parenting is that children are resilient and are a great source of unconditional love. You will learn a lot along the way. You can take advice from a lot of people, which is good. But at the end of the day, you're the parent.  
 
Do I look back and wonder if I made all the right choices? Of course....but my children are now grown up and I love them to death and wouldn't change a thing. I'm sure most parents can agree...through all the mistakes, tears and spilled milk I have learned so much about myself as much as I have learned about parenting.

Jellybean

3/16/2017 1:43:04 PM
Member since:
May 2010
Total posts:1172
........

We all go through this......no matter how confident you think another mother is on a topic, trust me, they are not. It's not just with babies either, we will question ourselves forever about if we are doing the right thing, at any stage of the game.  
 
Do not let what other's do or say get you down. Do what works best for you and your family. And, remember how you are feeling right now, maybe in a few years down the road when you are the one being asked for advice from a new mom. You know how it feels now, so just be encouraging. If there are more of us encouraging each other, instead of judging it is a lot more helpful.  
 
Who cares if you breastfeed or bottle feed, or use cloth diapers, or use some text book sleep training method. Raise your child to be a respectful, kind, and understanding person. This is easier to do if we feel calm and confident as a parent. Having a cloth diaper or a disposable diaper on their butt will not make a difference when it comes to how your child turns out. What will make a difference is your attitude, your stress level, etc. These things rub off on kids.  
 
For myself, I really hated soothers. I couldn't stand seeing other children at 2 or 3 years old walking around with them in their mouths. I refused to use them at all, and to teach my kids to sooth themselves in other ways so that I did not have to worry about trying to wean off a soother. I would have felt guilty just tossing a soother in my kids mouth so that I could have peace. Guess what, it worked until I got to #4. I would have died if that one didn't have a soother. She needed it, and I had to give up my guilt. I was able to take it away when she was a year old with no issues, and we got through that first year a lot easier.

summergal

3/16/2017 2:37:19 PM
Member since:
May 2009
Total posts:1407
....

Everybody has mom guilt about various things throughout parenthood. There are always going to be times you second guess your decision, it doesn't mean your wrong. Research what your interested in or concerned about, honestly don't ask people for their opinions because they will all vary. Also take what you research online with a grain of salt because many articles push the writers opinions.  
 
Do what is best for you and your family.  
 
What the confidence

AndreaD.

3/16/2017 6:45:16 PM
Member since:
Dec 2011
Total posts:648
:0) Hey Viv

Honey, you will be a great mom. How can one tell? Because you already have "mom guilt" which is a serious cronic side effect of caring for and loving your child.  
But stop trying to be Super Woman and a Super Mom who is the poster child for all the "look how great I am and you must do this this and this..." Truth is that you are going to be Wonder Woman, as in "I wonder if I am making the right choice?" "I wonder if I am screw up parenting already?" "I wonder how I am supposed to do it all?"  
The answer to the last one is that you can't do it all. You are not meant to do it all. You are meant to do your best for you, your child and your circumstances. If the laundry doesn't get folded immediately or the dishes wait until morning or you use disposable diapers...who cares? Pretty sure most 30 yr olds aren't going to be like "Mom, I could have been a doctor if only you had used cloth diapers on me when I was a baby!" Seriously, it sounds ridiculous because it is.  
Breast feeding vs bottle feeding? Figure it out when the time comes. You might find that nature takes the choice away from you. Baby has food sensitivities and cannot have formula: or that you cannot make enough milk and have to bottle feed so your baby doesn't starve. Things happen, and just when you think you have it all figured out, life will kick you in the teeth. So stop stressing so much about it.  
The truth is that children don't come with instruction manuals because there is so many ways and options that are GOOD options, but not all options work for every person. Kinda like finding those awesome shoes or "just perfect" dress...when you try it on and it doesn't fit right, doesn't feel right or just doesn't work. You already know how that is with clothes you choose for you. It is the same with parenting and children.  
Listen to advice, sort through it, review it, discard what does not work for you, try what might, alter when necessary and you will be just fine. Having a little one is scary...mostly because this little person depends on you completely. But when you meet that little person, count tiny fingers and toes, you will feel such and overwhelming surge of love that it will awaken the Mother inside you...tender, caring, unsure, unconditionally loving and rip-apart-anyone-who-hurts-my-baby fierce. And as you get to know the character of your offspring, you will figure out what works for you and him/her.  
Rest assured, Viv, that regardless what anyone else thinks or says, you will be a good mom. It will not matter about diapers and bottles/breast. It matters more about hugs and kisses, tickles and laughter, that your child FEELS loved unconditionally.  
 
Edited by , 2017-03-16 18:50:11

socialmom

3/17/2017 9:41:11 AM
Member since:
Jun 2012
Total posts:196
:)

Viv, unfortunately 'mom guilt' is something all mothers get...and if they say they don't, they are lying to themselves! Its a new role you are taking on! Be easy on yourself! You're not going to get it 'right' according to those other people! Do what you can, what you feel is right for your child! you and you alone is the only one who can say what is right, for your situation, and for your child. The most important part, which you are already doing, is loving that child and putting its needs first....you're already a great mom just for that fact! look for ppl in your life you feel have done a great job raising their children and look to them as role models.....the more questions you ask about different topics, the more different answers you'll get and then you'll be more overwhelmed...trust your gut, love that child and you will figure out whats best for him or her....us moms beat ourselves up enough, don't let others do it to you as well....go easy and just enjoy every minute, remember every moment! Good luck honey, I'm here if you need an ear to vent or just bounce things off of...you're going to be a great mom!

sammy

3/17/2017 11:17:38 AM
Member since:
Sep 2010
Total posts:7958
Fwiw

I've had a home daycare for over 5 years....not a single child in cloth diapers  
 
Worked in centres previously for about another 5-6 years and again, none were in cloth (at least at daycare)  
 
Don't feel bad if cloth isn't your thing  
 
Congrats!! Enjoy it

LadyJane

3/17/2017 12:22:55 PM
Member since:
Nov 2011
Total posts:138
Welcome

Oh yes, welcome to the wonderful world for parent/motherhood.  
 
Try not to worry about other's opinions. There isn't any single right way to raise a child. Breast fed, formula fed, cloth diapers, disposable diapers, co sleep, no co sleep, etc. In the end as long is the child is loved, cared for, cherished and supported - it doesn't matter how you get there. All roads lead in the same direction.  
 
Once your baby arrives and you start experiencing motherhood first hand you will get a feel for what works for you and what you're comfortable with pretty quick.  
 
Being a new parent is challenging enough without any outside 'helpful suggestions' - take the advice you agree with and leave the rest.  
 
You got this!

DSopinion

3/17/2017 4:22:30 PM
Member since:
Jul 2010
Total posts:209
Yup

Your post brings back all my memories of being pregnant with my first child. I used disposable diapers with no guilt whatsoever. Everyone has an opinion and some say all the extra laundry from cloth is bad for the environment too. But that's besides the point. I felt so overwhelmed because like you I was searching for all this info and opinions so I could feel prepared for what was coming. It just made me more anxious trying to figure it all out. Let things happen, your instincts will kick in and it will be fine. I also drank a cup of coffee each day. Everyone felt this need to give me their opinion and tell me what I should and should not be doing while pregnant. It's unnecessary stress. You might want to breastfeed but then find out it isn't for you. Do what you feel is right and just smile and nod when other people make suggestions. I wish I had relaxed more when my son was a baby. I was so worried about doing everything "right" - turns out not much of it mattered. Congratulations and enjoy!  
PS. Don't forget to ask for help when you need it, you don't need to be a supermom

justme

3/19/2017 5:05:41 PM
Member since:
Feb 2007
Total posts:449
children

Are born in impoverished nations all over this world. There is not basic water, food, or basic sanitation. In countries like this, children thrive and survive. mothers have nothing but they're intuition. children are resilient and do OK. PS the mom guilt goes after the first one LOL the second one sanitation is not nearly as important as the first one. You will find yourself dropping the soother wiping it on your pants and popping it back in babies mouth. And you know what the child will be just fine. Relax and enjoy it they grow up way too fast to stress about it. I would be leery of asking everyone to opinion on why or how they did things. You are now inviting them to have an opinion and every decision you make after that baby gets here. Trust me you will not appreciate all the advice later. Every mom believes they do it right. And the truth is we all do it right. So much just really doesn't matter

 
 
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