Discussions

How would you deal with this my parent is very difficult to be around very negative about everything , mean hurtful comments , everything you do or say is wrong , never good enough I do not want to spend the Xmas season with them . They despise my friend I spend time with & my friend would be spending the season with me .I'm the only relative close by the parent .It's very stressful . I would rather spend the season alone then spend it with them .Any thoughts suggestions as to what I can do .

Do what makes you feel good and forget trying to make others happy. Its short and sweet advice but once you realize it doesn't matter what family,friends, coworkers etc think of you then the happier you will be in life. Live your life the way you want.

Just an opinion said "This situation is more common then most of us realize.     Maybe a suggestion is make this "your " year. Start making your own memories with your friend. Decorate your place, get everything for your own Christmas dinner, and make your own plans. Keep it simple it doesn't need to cost a lot.   Let your parents know that you will see them either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, start your own traditions, it may be difficult for the first time with nostalgia etc but better for you emotionally and for your friend too.   No one needs to be bullied by others and continuously be put down, this includes family and bulling is just what you described.   This is just an idea for you.   Hope you find a way to have a wonderful Christmas with yourself and your friend. "

I'm crying I haven't cried in a long time .

If you like movies, you and your friend could go to the theatre on Christmas Day as well. It's hard to think of what to 'do' on Christmas when there isn't a lot of family around to dote on (or argue with). I did this with my dad when it was just he and I, those are some of the best memories I have.

Give yourself a "fun excuse" for the holiday season, go to Vegas for four or five days during xmas. If this family member is intolerable, then find a way to stay away for the most part. Drop in before or after the trip to "do your duty" as a family member, but state that you've made other commitments for that week. Could be a win, win. ...Done your part and you've left your troubles behind.  
 
Just my opinion, I could be wrong.

Brandon’s “Westman & Area Traditional Christmas Dinner” charity is always in need of volunteers.  
 
https://www.christmasdinner.ca  
 
(Volunteers needed the whole week before Christmas, not just Christmas Day)  
 
It’s a good excuse to not be with this parent around or on Christmas Day without them taking it too “personal” because you are donating your time to those less fortunate not just avoiding your family. Plus you can eat there too so you can tell this parent that you cannot join them for dinner either.  
 
OR...  
 
if you’ve really had enough, think about cutting this parent out of your life. After 44 years I had to do that myself this year for the same reasons you listed.  
 
They always say “You can’t choose your family” but the truth is the people you cherish & love who cherish & love you back ARE your family. No matter who they are.  
 
The saying should be “You can’t choose your relatives.”  
 
Hope you have a Merry Christmas.  
 
Edited by OutinBrandon, 2018-11-06 12:23:58

Had to make the decision to cut family from our lives. My mother is not a part of our lives anymore due to her absolutely negative, mean nature. I have a laundry list of crazy behavior, including her harboring my convicted felon brother and the hubby and I refused to be a part of that or subject our kids to it any longer. One part of my family absolutely respects our decision, but the other half demonize us as not supporting family at all costs.  
 
Sorry, but I can't have that near my kids or myself - its not fair.  
 
Do what is good and safe for you. Excellent idea to start the process as mentioned above - volunteer for the dinner. Its a great cause and gives you an excuse to start this process. Best of luck.

Hi Rue,  
 
These are hard to deal with, but sometimes in light of the situation difficult people are usually the ones that have the most problems on holidays and the ‘Bah-humbug’ comes out.  
The worst thing you want to do is leave someone alone on Xmas. Like OutinBrandon said ‘You can’t choose your family” but the truth is the people you cherish & love who cherish & love you back ARE your family. No matter who they are.’  
 
The hardest gift to give - is time.  
 
I have had relatives come and go in my life, I have held grudges and lost them, due to my stubborn attitude I lost the opportunity to actually listen and to say good-bye.  
 
I now believe in reverse psychology, it always takes two to tango. The choice is yours.  
 
It’s one day out of the year. I am sure no matter how negative this person is at you, when you are there deep down they are happy that you are there (even ask them). Good Luck, and remember it is one day out of the year.  
 
Happy Holidays.

Or another idea If volunteering is not feasible, just suggest to your family to meet there and have dinner together.  
It is for everyone, and a lot of people drop off more money in the donation box than the meal costs, so no need to feel embarrassed.  
Lots of happy people around, maybe some of it would rub off on the crotchety relatives?  
Good luck, I know the holidays can be really hard.

Enoughsaid: "The worst thing you want to do is leave someone alone on Xmas."  
 
I disagree. I am not responsible for anyone's happiness other than my own. Doing things because of how someone else will feel or react is called Codependency. It is not healthy.

You are not obligated to spend your free time with anyone who you do not wish too. Ever. Yes it is one day a year, a special one for most, so you should get to enjoy it. Maybe your parent will learn to adjust their nasty behavior once they realize you won't tolerate it.

Could you spend Christmas Eve or Boxing Day for a couple of hours with your family member(s), then plan something different for Christmas Day with your friend? It would be difficult if you regretted not spending any time with your only (albeit negative) family, unless the situation is so awful it is not able to be repaired.  
 
I'm sorry you are going through this. If you are a grown up, you can do whatever you wish, but you may have to bear the brunt of an unhappy family member. A couple of hours might be the ticket just to get it over with. I wish you the best.