Discussions

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased  
his wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:  
 
The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was  
a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??  
 
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.  
 
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.  
Nothing!  
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND  
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time: I'd get the blue  
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!  
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on  
the face of her microwave.  
 
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it  
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?  
 
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting  
little  
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really  
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.  
 
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)  
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going  
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did  
want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?  
 
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading  
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one  
hand, and taser in another.  
 
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient  
your assailant: a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms  
and a major loss of bodily control: a three-second burst would  
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of  
water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the  
batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring  
about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference: pretty cute really  
and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A  
batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'  
 
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?  
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one  
side as to say, 'don't do it dipsh*t,' reasoning that a one second burst  
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided  
to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the  
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .  
. . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!  
 
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me  
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and  
over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal  
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,  
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in  
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?  
 
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to  
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to  
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.  
 
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one  
note of  
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap  
yourself!  
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand  
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would  
be considered conservative?  
.... THAT HURT LIKE HE*L!!!  
 
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at  
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and  
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of  
the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from  
where it originally was.  
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face  
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed  
88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I sh*t myself,  
but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw  
a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe was came from my hair.  
I'm still looking for my n*ts and I'm offering a significant reward for  
their safe return!!  
 
P. S. My wife loved the gift.