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Don't make it too long. After awhile, the employer will just start to scan over it.

1. Make sure that your resume has good grammar with no spelling mistakes. The things most future employers look for is a well organized resume that is easy to read at a glance. An organized resume should include Contact Information, Schooling, Previous Employment, Volunteering, References.  
Make sure that your resume is free from cookie crumbs, coffee stains, and fat deposits.  
2. Make sure that your resume package includes everything requested in the employment advertisement. Does the employment advertisement ask for full references, cover letter, criminal record check? If yes, then add these items into your resume package.  
3. Make sure that your cover letter and resume is tailored to the potential job. There is nothing worse as an employer than seeing a resume that is just sent out to a million employment opportunities with no regard for the type of job being applied. For instance, if the job is to be a children's entertainer, the resume should reflect that the potential employee has worked with children in the past and has some form of musical or artistic ability.... and not that you are fantastic at welding.  
4. Know the name of the company and the CEO. There is nothing worse from a potential employer who contacts a potential employee and hears those immortal words, "Who are you?" Thud.  
5. Follow up. After two or three days if you hear nothing from the potential employer, follow up to see if they have received your resume.  
Hope this helps. Happy job hunting!  

When I look at resumes the first thing I do is look at there education/courses, once I've narrowed it down by that then I look at there job experience. There "skills" part (team played, detailed orientated, etc) is usually the last thing I look at. Anyone can make up anything to put there and people are going to lie to look good. I also don't bother reading there objective if it starts off as "looking to apply for a position in your company", if you can't take the time to change it before applying to several jobs just don't have one. Spelling mistakes are a no no, and I'll lose interest right away. If your emailing your resume, I like to get a little blurb in the email "I've attached my resume for the position of XXXX with XXXX that I saw on ebrandon. Thank you for the consideration and I hope to hear from you soon!" (Just an example.. It doesn't have to be anything fancy).

Jeeper said "When I look at resumes the first thing I do is look at there education/courses, once I've narrowed it down by that then I look at there job experience. There "skills" part (team played, detailed orientated, etc) is usually the last thing I look at. Anyone can make up anything to put there and people are going to lie to look good. I also don't bother reading there objective if it starts off as "looking to apply for a position in your company", if you can't take the time to change it before applying to several jobs just don't have one. Spelling mistakes are a no no, and I'll lose interest right away. If your emailing your resume, I like to get a little blurb in the email "I've attached my resume for the position of XXXX with XXXX that I saw on ebrandon. Thank you for the consideration and I hope to hear from you soon!" (Just an example.. It doesn't have to be anything fancy). "

Indeed...these simple guidelines got me 6 interviews in January.

Be careful to use the correct form of the word you're using in your resume or cover letter. Their-there-they're for example. If you feel that you want to include a punch of humor as indicated in the original post, it's probably best to leave it for the interview as conveying tone is quite difficult through writing alone and you probably want to come off as a professional in your efforts to gain employment.

Make sure it's all one type of font but don't use hard to read or use times roman . Make sure if your using lists or bullets that everything is in the same format. And good luck.