I'm searching for something.
At the risk of seeming flaky or childish I'll say this, because I need to.
I am an atheist, however the earth religions have always 'called' to me, you could say. I find it impossible to believe in a deity, though I have tried.
When I was in my early teens I studied Wicca. I spent all my spending money on books about it, I spent hours on the internet researching everyone's opinion I could find about it and anything else like it and I spent weeks writing spells.
Yeah, yeah, some were love spells (though I took the advice I read over and over, so no specific ppl involved,
), but most of them were looking for balance, for connection and most of all, for some meaning in life or some secret knowledge in my soul.
None of my rituals brought that something. I am a faithless person by nature, so although I put my heart into every ritual, every Sabbat, every Esbat I looked into the full moon and felt the beauty of the world fill me and was still missing that something
Then I read Richard Dawkins "The God Delusion", licked my wounds and moved on, putting Wicca behind me. However, I can't.
I still look into the full moon, imagine the Goddess and try to believe: I still take a moment on May 1st to breath in the freshened air: and I still need that 'something'.
I really need to find that something before I am able to move on with my life and I keep coming back to nature and finding not enough in science (at least not at the level of present knowledge we have) to explain what I can't understand.
So, yeah, at the end of all this spiel, I have no idea what I'm trying to ask for, but I have to do something because I don't know what else to do.
Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far.
