Discussions

Hi, I'm just wondering if it's wrong of me to ask my sons dad to let me know when he's taking him for the summer before June 15th and that if he can't tell me before then he might not get him the 2 weeks he wants?  
I want to be able to plan what I'm doing with the kids for the summer and and if I'm going to need childcare. I don't want to have to pay childcare if he's going to be at his dad's.  
Thanks for any advice you can give.

I would assume for the sake of the children you and your ex, converse in a friendly manner, so ask him.

Brenda said "I would assume for the sake of the children you and your ex, converse in a friendly manner, so ask him. "

I would love for that to be the case, but for my son it isn't.  
 
I am looking to see what the normal is for giving the other parent a timeframe for when they take their children for summer holidays.

I think it sounds like you are giving the other parent plenty of time to get their schedule figured out - you are giving a choice and not limiting which weeks they choose, just asking to have the information in a timely manner.  
 
Do you have a custody agreement in place? If you don't have an agreement yet then make sure that information goes into it when you do draw one up. I think it is reasonable to ask for notice 2 weeks before the end of summer, especially if you can avoid incurring childcare expenses during his visitation time. Unless he wants to pay the bill for that childcare then he should give you enough notice to cancel it during his time.

Starhc said "I think it sounds like you are giving the other parent plenty of time to get their schedule figured out - you are giving a choice and not limiting which weeks they choose, just asking to have the information in a timely manner.     Do you have a custody agreement in place? If you don't have an agreement yet then make sure that information goes into it when you do draw one up. I think it is reasonable to ask for notice 2 weeks before the end of summer, especially if you can avoid incurring childcare expenses during his visitation time. Unless he wants to pay the bill for that childcare then he should give you enough notice to cancel it during his time. "

We had wrote up an agreement together when we separated 2 years ago but we have nothing official. It just states 2 weeks in the summer and not that he had to let me know ahead of time.  
 
Things are just tough now that he can't communicate without causing problems  
 
Thanks for responding

A Weathered Heart said "In all honesty, I think it's fair. With my children and my ex, we have everything figured out usually before they are out of school for the summer. That way everyone knows who's doing what and who will be where for what time. Gives a lot more opportunity for being able to shift things around if necessary.     Just explain to him that you have things you would like to do with the child(ren), and that it would be great if you guys could get everything squared away by said date so every party is up to speed on what's happening and if possible, prevent you from facing certain expenses if it were to play out that way.     I hope it works out! "

Thanks so much for responding.  
 
I really believe that things go so much smoother when everyone knows what's going on ahead of time.  
 
I get major anxiety just thinking about having to talk to him and everytime I have to drop him off I get anxiety attacks.

I do think it is fair to ask to know in advance and perhaps agree to stick to that date from now on and that it has to do with daycare expenses.  
 
I have a court order and was advised by my lawyer that generally though a judge will rule in the non-custodial parents favor when it comes to summer visitation. The argument being that the other parent should be able to have the child/ren at their convenience being that the custodial parent has the child all year. It's best to be as flexible and accomadating as possible when it comes to summer visitation.

Are you guys having verbal conversations, or doing it through writing? If you are uncomfortable addressing important stuff in person, I think it is a good idea to have these discussions in writing - for two reasons:  
 
1) You have time to choose your words and say exactly what you mean to say, not be caught off-guard by his mood or his comments.  
 
2) You will have a record of exactly what was said/offered/agreed on in case it ever gets in front of a judge again. So for example, while a judge may lean towards the non-custodial parent for summer visitation, if you have it on record that you asked him to choose the dates, and gave him the reason (childcare expenses) and a reasonable time to decide, then it shows that you did offering him to pick a time that is most convenient for him.  
 
It doesn't eliminate the stress of communicating but it does put you in control of your part of the conversation, and what you respond to. I have several friends who had their communication going through a third party for awhile so they only respond to what is necessary and not all of the other stuff that gets said when two people are upset and disagreeing with one another. So then if his response came with a bunch of criticism or anger, your third party would just filter out what is necessary, such as:  
 
Him: "I don't have to tell you anything about my life blah blah blah I don`t care about your daycare budget, I pay you enough and it isn't my problem. I don't even know my work schedule until the 21st, not that it is any of your business."  
 
Translated through 3rd party: "he is unable to choose the date until the 21st"  
 
You: "Okay, please let me know by the 21st"  
 
I feel for you, it can be such a nasty cycle and while it is always a good idea to be the bigger person, it is hard to ignore things that are hurtful or untrue. But you do need to communicate for your child's sake so that is one way to keep the lines of communication open without a lot of emotional stress.

Are you guys having verbal conversations, or doing it through writing? If you are uncomfortable addressing important stuff in person, I think it is a good idea to have these discussions in writing (text or email is pretty normal these days) - for two reasons:  
 
1) You have time to choose your words and say exactly what you mean to say, not be caught off-guard by his mood or his comments.  
 
2) You will have a record of exactly what was said/offered/agreed on in case it ever gets in front of a judge again. So for example, while a judge may lean towards the non-custodial parent for summer visitation, if you have it on record that you asked him to choose the dates, and gave him the reason (childcare expenses) and a reasonable time to decide, then it shows that you did offering him to pick a time that is most convenient for him.  
 
It doesn't eliminate the stress of communicating but it does put you in control of your part of the conversation, and what you respond to. I have several friends who had their communication going through a third party for awhile so they only respond to what is necessary and not all of the other stuff that gets said when two people are upset and disagreeing with one another. So then if his response came with a bunch of criticism or anger, your third party would just filter out what is necessary, such as:  
 
Him: "I don't have to tell you anything about my life blah blah blah I don`t care about your daycare budget, I pay you enough and it isn't my problem. I don't even know my work schedule until the 21st, not that it is any of your business."  
 
Translated through 3rd party: "he is unable to choose the date until the 21st"  
 
You: "Okay, please let me know by the 21st"  
 
I feel for you, it can be such a nasty cycle and while it is always a good idea to be the bigger person, it is hard to ignore things that are hurtful or untrue. But you do need to communicate for your child's sake so that is one way to keep the lines of communication open without a lot of emotional stress

Its reasonable to set a deadline for his preference, and if he doesn't give you any information by then, set your own plans and he can work around that afterwards. Just document it all.  
 
In the end its best for the kids to have time with each parent, so hopefully he will get back to you asap.

If there is a friend taking Mini-U the week of July 11th, sign the child up and notify the other parent accordingly.  
 
Mini-U programs (and many other activities) fill up quickly and waiting past the first of June could mean the child loses out on both the great program and the sharing it with the friend. This is particularly important if it is something like Dauphin Bible Camp or Navy League Cadet camp.