Discussions

I am looking for some solid, helpful tools in coping with the process of divorce. I am aware of the general "eat well, exercise, take care of yourself, see a counsellor, etc" techniques. But it isn't always that simple.  
 
How do you deal with the day-to-day challenges of being newly separated or divorced?  
 
How did you cope with the repercussions of having an ex-spouse badmouth you to your children?  
 
How did you deal with your ex-spouses negativity towards you?  
 
What about the extremely slow legal process? Dealing with communication (or lack thereof) from legal counsel?  
 
How do you cope with the roller coaster of emotions throughout this process?  
 
How do you help your children deal with the emotions of being introduced to and forced to spend time with the ex-spouses new partner when the separation of their parents is still so new and fresh?  
 
What is the one helpful thing that you wish someone would have told you about?  
 
I know there is a support group at St.Aug on Tuesday nights and a DivorceCare group at McDiarmid Drive Alliance Church, also on Tues nights starting in the fall.  
But for someone that can't make these Tues night groups, what are some other resources out there?  
 
Who would you recommend for a personal counsellor?  
 
Helpful posts only please. Thanks in advance for your help.  
 
 
 
Edited by gimmeAmin, 2015-07-26 12:34:18

Please feel free to contact me @ 204-725-1232 or connier@mooddisordersmanitoba as there are many great resources in relation to anxiety, depression and situational stressors which you are experiencing. We are here to help.

Reach out to old friends. Sometimes, during a rough period in a relationship, it's easy to lose contact, alienate or even piss off the people you've always been able to count on. Try to make amends if needed, and certainly let them know that you appreciate their friendship.  
 
Don't resort to attacking your ex in front of the kids. Show them all your love and they will know you deserve theirs. Any explaining they need should be along the lines of easing their discomfort and pain and reassuring them that both parents still love them, even if they don't love each other anymore.  
 
Try not to take the tension in with you to work. Find reasons to appreciate your job, even if it's just being away from domestic problems.  
 
Forgive yourself for the crazy things you likely did under emotional distress. We all flip out a bit when a relationship goes wrong, and rehashing all the "shouldas" and "couldas" just makes you crazier. (See the first tip- old friends and family should understand and accept you.)  
 
Don't expect or seek a quick new permanent relationship. You can't want one as a "lifejacket" so wait until you are seaworthy again before starting any new voyages. Meanwhile, an occasional dip or lap in the dating pool is not a bad thing. You will know, eventually, when it's time to sign on, but it will be a while.  
 
Best of luck.

The legal system, although sometimes necessary, can really take you down an unproductive path. It generates animosity and is ridiculously expensive! If possible, give mediation a good go. It is free and can get at least some issues dealt with.  
I've dealt with an uncooperative, unresponsive, non-communitive ex for years! I make decisions based on my child. I give (a little) even when I don't receive. I make sure I encourage my child's relationship with his other parent.  
I too have had to deal with a new partner in my child's life right from the start. It is incredibly hard. I don't know if there is a way to deal with this one! You gotta just get through it!  
Do the best you can do for your kids. It is better to have one parent doing right than two doing wrong!  
Good Luck! Its a very hard life! But the page eventually turns!

if you need to chat feel free to message me...no need for textbook splatter....you need real time and real conversation from someone that has been through it. im sure mood disorders can help you from a textbook point of view if thats what you are looking for..or you can talk to someone that has been there and lived through all that you have mentioned and managed to become friends with the ex and the exs new partner.

The best advice I can give is to realize your ex cannot be controlled. Don't worry about what happens in his/her house just worry about your own.  
 
Also children need both parents! Do not keep your children from the other parent no matter what.

Friends, friends and friends? As far as support groups...I went to one and found that the men in the group mostly wanted to complain and bash their ex wives. And most of the woman were in kind of shell shock mode. Maybe this one might be different though. It doesn't hurt to try. As far as the parental bad mouthing.....just ignore it and don't do the same. Your children will be smart enough, or eventually if they are small...to figure it on their own. And just try to be the parent that they need you to be. Keep the rules the same. Don't cave to the pressure of trying to be the good one. Your children will thank you for it...but not until they are grown. lol  
 
I don't think anyone handles the separation well and the loss of your dreams of a future. Hang on though, it does get easier. I know its cliché but spending some time on yourself will help too. Exercise and yoga and even reading some self help books or online groups.

http://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/  
 
I would look at the five stages of grief and loss. Sometimes it is helpful to know where your ex is coming from at the moment and sometimes it helps to recognize where you are.  
 
Best of luck to you  
 
P.S. The stages are generally used to work through a loss by death but a loss through separation/divorce follows the same path and principles.  
 
Edited by CommonTater, 2015-07-27 12:05:57

I got your email but I can't email you back...just wondering if you have your IM turned on..I have some great pearls of wisdom to share lol

This is a bit off of the emotional side of things, but with regards to the legal side of things, have you considered seeing a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA)? They can be very helpful with splitting things fairly.

Thanks for all of your helpful suggestions, they are much appreciated.

Do you know if you can hire a financial analyst outside of the whole collaborative law approach? I googled it but I'm wondering what kind of costs are associated with this?

I am not entirely sure what the process is. I thought that CDFA's work collaboratively with lawyers, but I may be wrong.

If you could communicate with your ex and discuss having a "no-fault divorce" attitude it would be healthier for the children. This means that neither of you blame or insult the other in front of the children. Let the children know that you love them, just not each other, and that it is no-one's fault that the marriage is over. In the long run this is better for the children. Also, once school has started, get in touch with the children's school and ask that the counsellor speak to them. This is something school counsellors deal with quite a bit so they can be a great resource for the children. Let their teachers know about the divorce as well. Check with the Elspeth Reid center, they have classes for parenting so maybe some about divorce. Take care of yourself and your kids.

meets weekly September-June and for coffee during July and August.  
 
It is run by an amazing woman named Allison who provides excellent information about how to cope emotionally as well as in practical ways. It's also a great opportunity to talk to people who have been there.  
 
Allison can be reached at 204-727-2955