Discussions

It's beginning to look a lot like Hell...uh, I mean Christmas. Every year around this time, I spiral into a bottomless pit of anger and depression. Here's why.  
 
Nothing says "I don't really give a crap about you" like a Christmas card that comes out of a box of twenty identical Christmas cards. Far worse is the Christmas newsletter: "Hi, I can't be bothered to write each of you a personal letter, so here's a computer-printed newsletter to brief you on my boring year." Also on the Rob shit-list: cutesy family Christmas cards with the whole family posing on the front: Christmas Create-a-Cards: and Christmas e-mail postcards. And if anyone e-mails me a snowball this year, I will track them down and do interesting things to them with a fork.  
 
At our house, we have the same artificial tree we've had since I was a baby. And these days, you can buy an artificial tree that looks exactly like a real one. So why buy a real one? For the pine scent? (Go out and sniff a pine cone) For the joy of vacuuming pine needles off the rug every day? What?? I don't get it. And then, after New Year's Day, you see the most depressing thing ever: all the dead, rejected trees sitting out the Keystone centre grounds waiting to be taken to the dump. Mutilate a living thing, take it home, hang crap on it, then kick it to the curb. Nice!  
 
I hate Xmas parties too! Especially work-related. My Christmas party this year comes after a 9-to-6 day for me. After such a day, I want to go home and be alone. I don't want to hang with the same people I've been looking at all day. Then every year there's some sort of idiotic theme to the gift-giving. Last year everyone had to write a poem, which was kind of cool: I can handle that. This year, though, everyone had to buy something red. (I was going to give a vial of my own blood, but I didn't think that would go over.) Question: If the point of these wingdings is to enjoy each other's company, why not just forget the gifts?  
 
Then good old Xmas shopping. The insanity begins anyone with two brain cells to rub together will stay the hell away from anything resembling a retail store. Somehow, though, the idiots come out in force every year. And there's no let-up until at least the second week of January, because even after Christmas, people return their crappy gifts. And it's not as if the Christmas shopping season begins in November: you start seeing Christmas commercials and store decorations as early as October. The only thing worse than the moron who waits until December 24 to do all his or her Christmas shopping is the smug you know what who has all her shopping done by July. That's not misogynist: It's always women who shop this far in advance. (Name three guys who have their shopping done before December.) Now, so as not to irk those (women) who conscientiously buy their Christmas gifts a little at a time during the year: I am speaking here of the ones who can't resist telling you, "Oh, I got all my shopping done before July." In other words: It's fine by me if they do it: I just don't want to hear it. So for those people, some advice: If the topic comes up ... lie. Claim that you're even farther behind on your shopping than the rest of us. That's the best gift you can give your friends.  
 
Then oh yea there is a then Christmas is also the time of year is when you start overhearing the little brats screaming to their parents that they want the toy du jour - this year, of course, it's a Nintendo Wii or some silly thing. Parents are caught in a cruel bind: They can't very well say "Sorry, kids, Wii's are expensive and hard to find," because then the little shits will just ask Santa for one. So the parents pretty much have to pay through the nose for a Wii. Unless of course Nintendo made it so you have to almost kill someone to get your hands on one of these things. But better yet some little kid probably bought one in June and is now selling it on eBrandon fro $1000 more then he paid. I LOVE CHRISTMAS!! Christmas is one compelling reason not to have kids unless you're Jewish or some other religion that doesn't celebrate Christmas, like Wicca.  
 
Lastly, the whole giving-and-getting thing: ick. When you exchange gifts with someone, you feel bad if the gift you gave them is cheaper than the gift they gave you: you also feel bad if it's the reverse. "Wow, a DVD player! Uh ... thanks ... I got you a bag of chips." You calculate just how much to spend on each person, which means you're basically putting a price on your love. How much is Mom worth? $150? $200? How about your cousin? One great reason to stay away from romance is the agonizing over what to get your boy/girlfriend that first Christmas. And what to get his/her parents, siblings, etc....And of course he/she (usually she) will say, "You don't have to get me anything. Just as long as we can spend Christmas together." This, let me tell you, is horseshit. Try it out somewhere, see how well it does for you.  
 
Anyways I am done ranting. I hope you all enjoy xmas with your inlaws that you have been dying to see. Mine just showed up. Oh joy I get to take them around town and pretend I like them now.  
 
I love the holidays!!