Discussions

Are you traumatized by the educational e-mails your so-called friends have sent you?  
 
I am now totally screwed up, and have little chance of recovery.  
 
I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.  
 
I never have a waiter put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.  
 
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the Adult Movie channels.  
 
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.  
 
I cannot sleep in a Motel bed because they are all infested with Bed Bugs.  
 
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because I have read that the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).  
 
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.  
 
I now drink eight glasses of water a day because urinating on every hour is supposed to be good for you.  
 
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.  
 
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop mixed in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.  
 
ALSO, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open because it may be covered in mouse urine.  
 
I no longer overtake Semis because a Trucker Bomb may hit my car.  
 
I no longer have any savings because I sent it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.  
 
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail forwarding program.  
 
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.  
 
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are killed by an inhumane process that only members of PETA can understand.  
 
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.  
 
I no longer eat sugar or salt because they mix together in my pancreas to make a substance that blocks my arteries.  
 
 
THANKS TO MY FRIENDS, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven more of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.  
 
 
BECAUSE OF MY FRIENDS CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains, and poison house flies.  
 
 
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a Serial Killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.  
 
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.  
 
I no longer use Saran Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.  
 
 
And I am most grateful for knowing that I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...  
Disfiguring me for life.  
 
What about FACEBOOK? Other posts have said it all, but according to the newsprint you are a member for eternity.  
 
I cannot take Tylenol because it makes me impotent, and cause me to P down my leg.  
 
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.  
 
I no longer go to Shopping Malls because someone will drug me in the Parking Lot with a perfume sample and rob me.  
 
I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually from Al Qaeda in disguise.  
 
I no longer shop at the Tiger Store since they are French, and don't support our Canadian troops or the Salvation Army.  
 
I no longer eat egg yolks because they cause high Cholesterol.  
 
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.  
 
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have purchased their secret recipe.  
 
Thanks to my friends, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.  
 
 
AND THANKS TO THEIR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because a sex molester probably placed it there and is waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.  
 
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies, and can only buy from my company of choice on Wednesday’s before 10 am!  
 
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid a brown Arachnid recluse will bite me and my hand will fall off.  
 
I cannot eat out at Restaurants because their kitchens are all infested with cockroaches.  
 
 
And to understand my trauma, if you don't copy, paste and send this Post to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 12 Bison will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.  
 
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .  
 
 
Oh, by the way.....  
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their Social Network postings with their hand on the mouse.