Discussions

I was lying in the bathtub last Wednesday evening, and I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.  
 
I can't afford one, and do not know anyone to call anyway.  
 
So, I thought to look like every one else, I’d start wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.  
 
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.  
 
I was thinking that women should put pictures of their missing husbands on beer cans!  
 
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'  
 
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."  
 
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!  
 
How come all these people on TV who are interviewed about the high price of Gas complain and gripe about the crooked oil companies, but when I travel to Winnipeg everyone is passing me in their gas guzzling Sport Utility Vehicles, (S.U.V.’s)?  
Slow down people, you’ll save on gas.  
 
I know, when people see my cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?"  
 
Just once I want to say, "No, it's for my company!"  
 
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency.  
 
I think you should write, "The name of your Doctor!"  
 
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?  
 
What are we supposed to do... write to these men?  
 
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?  
 
Or better yet, why don’t the authorities arrest them while they are posing for their pictures!  
 
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me: they are cramming for their finals.  
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.  
 
Do you ever eat in Restaurants with old people? Do you notice that they complain about everything? The coffee is too strong, the steak is too tough, and the pork chops are too dry. Why is there not a restaurant for these folks where they can bring their own food? The waitress would still take their order and then she could take them over to a stove and they could cook it their own way. Steak Pits are a start, now lets go the whole nine yards for our Seniors.  
 
I was watching David Suzuki on CBC the other night and he was saying that man is evolved from Monkeys and Apes so why do we still have Monkeys and Apes?  
I popped into Penny Wise Books on Saturday and asked the Sales person, “Where’s the Self-Help Section?” She said she could not tell me because it would defeat the purpose of the books.  
 
One Day I saw a young deaf person swearing, I think his mother should have taken him home and washed his hands with soap.  
 
Why is there no other word for “synonym”?  
 
Who should you call if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?  
 
If someone sues a Parsley Farmer and wins, can they Garnishee his earnings?  
 
Why don’t they call insects without wings “Walk’s”?  
 
Why are Gas Station Bathrooms locked? Is it because they are afraid someone will clean them?  
 
If a Turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or just plain naked?  
 
If the R.C.M.Police arrest a “Mime”, do they still tell him he has the right to remain silent?  
 
Who trains the Deer to cross the road only at the location of those yellow road signs?  
 
What was the best thing before ‘Sliced Bread ‘ was developed?  
 
The nice thing about having an ‘egotist’ for a friend is, they don’t talk about other people.  
 
In the movie, “The little Mermaid” is the garment she wears on her upper torso called an ‘Algebra’?  
 
If people say they joined the “Mile High Club” after they made love while flying in a Plane. Do they say they joined “The Mile long Club” if they made love while travelling on a Train?  
 
How is it possible to have a “Civil War”?  
 
Aren’t most engineers “Civil”?  
 
If one synchronized swimmers were to drown would the rest drown too?  
 
If you start out your day by being a failure, but you succeed, which have you done?  
 
Who was the Sicko who decided to put an “S” in the word “Lisp”?  
 
Why didn’t the above Sicko call “Haemorrhoids”, “Assteroids” instead of “Haemorrhoids”?  
 
Who thought it necessary to place an expiry date on sour cream?  
 
Is it Hypercritical for an Atheist to buy Insurance against “Acts of God”?  
And finally …..  
because my Bath water is becoming cold,  
if “Victoria’s Secret” were to merge with Smith & Wesson would their new company be called: Titty-Titty-Bang-Bang?  
 
" Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life."  
Because: “Life is a journey to be savoured.”  
Nobody gets out alive!